Life is not about finding yourself, but about creating yourself.

I want to beg you as much as I can, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek answers that cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to love everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. -- Rainer Maria Rilke

Just in case anyone else isn't having The Best Week (or so) Ever and isn't even sure what's wrong.

(Thanks to Susan for the quote)
(ps - try commenting now, those of you who emailed me to say here's my comment.)

I tend to get easily and overly embarassed at times. As a kid, I got embarassed for characters on tv. Alex P. Keaton, WHAT are you doing?! and I'd put my head under a pillow even. God, how I wish I was kidding, but I digress. My point was that tonight, I kind of hid my chemistry test as I looked it over and as we were reviewing problems because I did remarkably well in comparison to those around me. Like 30 points above the class average. So I know I wasn't the only one who did well, but... I felt something akin to embarassment over my grade. I didn't want to boast, I didn't want anyone to know, really. Very odd.

I also realized just how irritating it is that when I put my mind to something I can totally and 100% (or 95% with a 5 point curve) do it and maybe even kick some ass. But that I can't tell you what it is that flips the switch for me. I must have some inner well of intrinsic motivation, but maybe it's really freaking hard to find, so I only find it part of the time.

I nearly deleted this whole post thinking all of a sudden that if I talk about how well I am doing in school, I'll jinx it. I mean, this is the first time I'm on track to get a 4.0 since 8th grade (1988 for anyone keeping track)!! But then I thought like a nearly 31 year old and not like an 11 year old and I see that you can't jinx hard work, which is what I've been doing. And there's no shame or embarassment around that. I've been working my ass off (not that my pants can tell) and it's paying off. That's it. Nothing magical that can get jinxed. And nothing I can completely explain either.

So I'm off to search for the well of motivation. I've got ambitious holiday gift ideas and 15 pounds to lose...

Like will they finally get to all the things that should be considered?

So I really should pony up a few bucks during my NPR station's fall pledge drive so they can keep considering things? Gotta support my liberal media of choice, no?

And I probably shouldn't wait until they start offering things like a coffee mug with the KUAZ logo. Or an autographed photo of Ki from Marketplace (is he even cute? I don't know if I want to know.) I'd be into a tote bag, if it was the right size.

(The people at work who don't understand that I enjoy yelling back at the radio, it's a weird torture to listen sometimes sure are glad it's pledge week so I've got music on all day, not just during that weird midday show.)

Hypothesis: Take homes are ALWAYS harder than in class tests.

Procedure: In my discussions with classmates about our upcoming take home test, I gave an example of the kind of question we'd face. I'll spare you an explanation, but I said it would be something like, describe from start to finish what happens inside a cell to create a protein, in comparison to a question like what part of the cell is responsible for transporting proteins.

Results: Question 1 on my take home exam?
We talked about how parts of the cell work together for particular tasks. Follow the production of casein, a milk protein, from its beginning till it is released as part of milk.

Conclusion: I should get an A on the test just for being able to predict the questions.

Veronica Mars!

WHY didn't any of you tell me? She is fiesty and adorable! Two episodes and I love her. Must go back and watch all the other seasons. Immediately.

Like there's a chill in the air. Okay, so I know it was only temporary because we also had rain and hail today, but the endless summer might finally start the transformation into the warm winters I that wooed me here.

Have ambitious plans for hiking in the morning. We'll see.

Am exhausted from tonight's chem lab (and the fact I was up at oh-dark-30 today). Apparently I felt the need to put on a comedy show while doing lab. "No, that precipitate is really more of a creamy brown than a strict brown, a latte if you will." And I got the attention of those beyond my lab table with the enlightened observation "Yeah, the creamy floaters, did I just say creamy floaters? Anyhow, that has got to be solution A."

Am brilliant scientist. Masquerading as...well, somethin' else. :)

So next weekend there's some sort of beer festival going on in town. Now, I'm becoming a master of doing things alone, today I even went to breakfast alone because dammit, I wanted pancakes, but I just can't go to a beer festival alone. If it was a music festival with a beer tent, okay, that I could do, but this is a get-a-bracelet-and-a-plastic-mug kind of event so far as I can tell. And going alone doesn't really sound like fun and might sound a bit like I have a drinking problem. And I spend too much time alone during the great gap of time between Friday afternoon and Monday morning. Yes, I'm trying different volunteering things, but I'm also watching more TV than is healthy. I don't feel isolated...yet.

This means my aggression towards people I want to be friends with needs to take it up a notch. Since I'm pretty sure that the friends of friends I have met lately didn't take a shine to me (there was another set since my last blogging, even cooler than the first and I think I tried too hard) I am pretty much left with work and school options. School, well, some of the people I interact with the most are under 21 and/or possibly Mormon. Probably not the best partners in crime for drinking festivals. And the people at work are a little older, have kids or just don't seem to like me very much, so also not a whole lot of options. But, I'm determined, so I thought a little further and now there are two poor women who will get asked this week, what's your position on beer?

Wish me luck.