Life is not about finding yourself, but about creating yourself.

I tend to get easily and overly embarassed at times. As a kid, I got embarassed for characters on tv. Alex P. Keaton, WHAT are you doing?! and I'd put my head under a pillow even. God, how I wish I was kidding, but I digress. My point was that tonight, I kind of hid my chemistry test as I looked it over and as we were reviewing problems because I did remarkably well in comparison to those around me. Like 30 points above the class average. So I know I wasn't the only one who did well, but... I felt something akin to embarassment over my grade. I didn't want to boast, I didn't want anyone to know, really. Very odd.

I also realized just how irritating it is that when I put my mind to something I can totally and 100% (or 95% with a 5 point curve) do it and maybe even kick some ass. But that I can't tell you what it is that flips the switch for me. I must have some inner well of intrinsic motivation, but maybe it's really freaking hard to find, so I only find it part of the time.

I nearly deleted this whole post thinking all of a sudden that if I talk about how well I am doing in school, I'll jinx it. I mean, this is the first time I'm on track to get a 4.0 since 8th grade (1988 for anyone keeping track)!! But then I thought like a nearly 31 year old and not like an 11 year old and I see that you can't jinx hard work, which is what I've been doing. And there's no shame or embarassment around that. I've been working my ass off (not that my pants can tell) and it's paying off. That's it. Nothing magical that can get jinxed. And nothing I can completely explain either.

So I'm off to search for the well of motivation. I've got ambitious holiday gift ideas and 15 pounds to lose...